Sing Hosannahs! RTE have announced their programming plans for the coming seaon. They’ve promised us "almost 3,500 hours of home produced content this coming year" as if that’s going to be a good thing ("Celebrity Home Improvements", anyone?)
Bear in mind, of course, that this 3,500 hours includes 2 hours a day of news and weather (728 hours per year), and 6 hours of Fair City a week (312) not to mention all Nationwide (52 hours per year), Prime Time / Questions and Answers (104 hours) The Premiership (156) and Champions League coverage (96 hours), and we’re already half way through their proposed amount. And then there’s all those Celebrity Jigs and Farms yokes that seem to be on for 6 hours every Sunday, not to mention the Rugby World Cup. And the Sunday Game. And The Late Late Show. And Tubridy. And Miriam…jesus christ, they must only have about 500 hours of new programming to fill.
However, we should be thankful that there’s not much time left to play with once we see the amazing ideas they’ve come up with.
One such gem is a new Anna Nolan vehicle called "Web Of Desire" (jaysus even the name gives me the horn!) in which Ireland’s favourite daytime TV presenter trawls the Internet in search of sado masochistic orgies, and then, presumably, joins in.
Nolan, you see, is one of those lesbians. They’re all into that type of stuff. Them and the gays. Presumably Brendan Courtney thought that this show was beneath him. The original "Gaybo" would be turning in his grave, if he was actually dead.
There’s also a reality show planned about Shane Lynch’s wedding. Fucking hell, that’ll be a laugh won’t it? Listening to that tattooed fuckwit banging on about God and pints of Guinness every week should really keep the viewers tuned in.
Good to see that my €180 License fee is being put to good use.
I’m sure that I could come up with a few ideas that would make it through RTE’s rigorous screening process.
What about "Gately’s Gates"? Stephen Gately could talk us through his search for a new security gate for his celebrity sex pad. And then tries to figure out the CCTV camera operation - with hilarious consequenses! That could stretch out for about 6 weeks.
"Feet In Mouth"? A load of politicians can gather around a table in a field somewhere surrounded by a load of diseased cattle and talk about the issues of the day, unaware that they are on a hidden camera show that is being broadcast live to the nation.
"Celebrity Make Me Over!" Marty Morrisey, Ryan Tubridy and Brendan O’Connor all have their faces rearranged. However, it’s done on the streets of Temple Bar on a Saturday night by a gang of drunken English ex-cons.
I reckon those three are go-ers. Maybe I’ll tune in just in case Noel Curran is reding this blog and feels the need to pilfer my ideas…
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