I Think I’m Going To Be Sick…

Right. There’s gremlins in my files again, and the layout of this usually shit looking website has gotten even shitter. I have learnt in the past that the only way to fix the problem is to carry on regardless and eventually something will eventually do it. Usually another post, so you lucky bastards actually get Two For The Road today. Amn’t  Sorry. Aren’t I nice?

So, inspired by Twenty Major’s post yesterday, which I presume began as a dig at Dublin Bus (those lazy fuckers – I had to walk around town for nearly two hours on Sunday night because every hilariously dressed-up shithead in Dublin was looking for a cab because there were no Nitelinks) I’m going to list a load of horrible things that I’ve seen (or have it on good authority to have happenned) in my 12 years visiting drinking establishments accross this fine country.

 

In no particular order:

 

1.  That guy in my local with the big plastic syringe. The first time I saw him, I thought that he was a Guinness tester or something. Turns out that he was injecting the stuff right into his gut through a hole in his belly. The hole in his belly matches the hole in his throat. Which he dribbles phleghm from, and gurgles when he laughs. Seriously dude. I’d take that as a sign.

 

2. A friend of mine was working in a pub in Galway City. Going into clean the ladies one night (the toilet, not the patrons – although that might be wise..) he was greeted by a pint glass resting on a sink. With a shite in it. You ain’t seen nothin like a Galway girl, alright.

 

3. There was a certain table upstairs in the local of my youth – in the disco bar part – where the ‘women’ – I use this term very loosely, trolls is far more accurate – had obviously decided that  it was too far to walk to the toilets around the corner when they needed freshening up, as they say on the telly, so they would dispose of their, ahem, how should I put this, “used womens equipment” by shoving it down the back of the seat onto the floor where it would be hidden from view.  We discovered this one night when  someone dropped a pound coin behind the seat. We soon changed seats.

 

4. Downstairs in Thomas House about 6 months ago – after the renovations mind you, and on “French Night” too – the pipes in the jax just decided to ignore physics and flow backwards. So much so that there was piss bubbling up from the plughole in the sink, and there was about 2 inches of cold urine coating the floor. Needless to say that neither the French nor the smelly Art students neither noticed, nor minded. I told the barman “your jax is flooded with piss”. He said “yeah, that always happens”.

 

5. I once saw a girl get sick into her pint of Smirnoff Ice and drink it. Then she wore the face off the fella who she was with, with extra gusto. He didn’t seem to mind.

 

6. Paddys Day 2004. The local again. Some old soak was propping up the bar all day with his equally pissed wife, trying to look respectable in his Del Monte suit and handkerchief combo. Respectable, that is, until he had to go for a a jimmy and proceded to walk sidewards into a wall, sort of slide along it for a while, while all the time spraying a multicoloured fountain of Jameson, Guinness and Hot Nuts vomit all along it. He then slid into a seat beside a group of young women, who all nearly fainted, before managing to get into the jax, where he proceeded to piss all over himself, ruining his nice suit. Someone who was in there at the time said “he just stood there at the urinal and pissed himself. He didn’t even open his bags!”

 

7. Gavin Lambe Murphy.

 

8. Smiley Bolger.

 

9. Walked into the toilet Doyles about 6 years ago and saw a lovely, shiny, steaming turd right in the middle of the floor. Offaly must have been playing in Croker.

 

10. That real catch up the top in the picture drinking his pint..mmmm lovely stuff. I’ll have whatever he’s having please.

 

Actually, that might be it. Every night you see someone rolling around in sick, but after a while it gets kind of forgettable and all merges into one big sick orgy. I thought I’d seen a lot more rotten stuff in my time. I really should drink in The Barge more often. Or go to the odd 21st…

 

Anyway. Cheers!

~ by oftroad on October 30, 2007.