What is the Stars?

As a pretty eventful 2007 – for some of us at least – comes roaring to a close, One For The Road’s resident Astrologer, ‘Mystic Seamus’, takes a look at what 2008 has in store for you. Be warned though. It’s not looking very good..

ARIES – (The Goat)

MARCH 21 TO APRIL 20

Feelings of despair at the pathetic state of your life are entirely justified in 2008. It won’t get any better, and you’d be well advised to simply lock yourself in a room somewhere and not surface until 2009. Sorry.

TAURUS – (The Spider)

APRIL 21 TO MAY 20

Early in the year you will come into some money. However, this will be at a lapdancing club and you will promptly be thrown out because that sort of thing is frowned upon. Also, your wife will leave you.

GEMINI – (The Twix)

MAY 21 TO JUNE 20

Friendships may come and go in 2008, but remember to stay positive as the Sun moves into Uranus in mid July. It’ll burn a little, but that might have been the Guinness.

CANCER – (The Rat)

JUNE 21 TO JULY 20

You will get cancer.

LEO – (The Jew)

JULY 21 TO AUGUST 21

You’re extremely successful end to 2007 will continue unabated with members of the opposite sex throwing themselves at you on holiday in 2008. Unfortunately, you will be on holiday in Tikrit, and they all have bombs strapped to themselves. Perhaps a helmet of some kind should be purchased.

VIRGO – (The Salmon)

AUGUST 22 TO SEPTEMBER 22

That rash will clear up in early 2008, and people will talk to you again. However, your tongue will swell up so they won’t understand a word your saying. Maybe buy some markers and a few notepads in the sales.

LIBRA – (The Casserole)

SEPTEMBER 23 TO OCTOBER 22

You feel that a move is needed in some area of your life. It’s with great regret that this move will come in the form of a move from this world into the next. And by next I mean into nothing, because there’s really nothing out there. Watch out for busses. Not that that will help you, you get shot.

SCORPIO – (The Potter)

OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 22

Great success on the way for you in 2008 if you put your mind to it. Try writing a book or something. Or whatever you like, I don’t care.

SAGITTARIUS – (The Roundabout)

NOVEMBER 23 TO DECEMBER 21

Jesus how many more of these are there? You’ll get your hole twice.

CAPRICORN – (The Singer)

DECEMBER 22 TO JANUARY 20

It all goes the way of the pear for you in 2008 I’m afraid. Literally. You fall out of a tree in November and break your neck.

AQUARIUS – (The Fruit Basket)

JANUARY 21 TO FEBRUARY 18

You try to give up smoking and fail because you are weak. If you don’t smoke, then you will start because you are weak.

PISCES – (The Parrot)

FEBRUARY 19 TO MARCH 20

I see nothing in the stars for you. Maybe I’ll have a look in a ditch, which is where you left off in 2007. Ah yes. There we are. You will remain in that ditch. Covered in piss.

Happy New Year from Mystic Seamus.

For more information call 1550 ask-me-hole.

~ by oftroad on December 29, 2007.