Yay! The results of the 2006 census are finally in! Filling in all those poxy little boxes a couple of years ago has finally paid off, as we can now see that the whole country is an insane mix of nationalities, religions, filth mongers and child marriers.
Unlike the previous census, when 100% of the population was Irish born and fucking bred, 100% regularly turned out for their local Camogie and Hurling teams, 100% of the population were Catholic, and 100% of the population had never heard of pesto or balsamic vinegar, the most recent results would have DeValera spinning in his grave.
For starters, there’s 64 widowed teenagers in the country - one of whom is just 15. I imagine that the husband died of old age and the child bride was freed from her dungeon in time to fill in the forms.
There’s 91 Polish Muslims in Ireland. Presumably they’re the 91 sober ones who don’t eat foul smelling sausages.
There’s 1,318 people living here who have ‘no nationality’. Belgians possibly.
There’s a Presbyterian Pakistani living here - I’d say he’d be popular in Ballyfermot on a Friday night - and there’s only 9 Chinese people living in Leitrim. Apparently they each have a job handing out newspapers at traffic lights, but they’re somewhat overstaffed.
As for Muslims, there’s at least one Muslim turf cutter (”I’d think twice before sticking that briquette on the fire Seán - yer man Mohammad cut that one and we don’t want another 9/11 on our hands..”) and only 8 Muslim Gardaí. Must be a pig thing.
There’s only 4 Presbyterians living in Birr. They’re easy to spot. They’re the ones who hate Mundy. And there’s one Methodist in Carrick-On-Suir, to go with Sean Kelly, the only Cyclist in the town.
Over 22,000 foreign nationals - you know, them scroungers who are living the life of reilly over here stealing our jobs and raping our women - live without central heating. But then again, they probably just burn swans to stay warm.
Most shocking of all as the revelation that 366 homes in Dublin have no sewage facilities. One of which is a large private residence in Glasnevin, owned* by a Mr B. Ahern.
Apparently the fresh stench of shite eminating from the grounds of the house on a daily basis would topple a rampaging elephant.
*well, not owned. He kind of got a lend off this bloke who was meant to ring his solicitor but he couldn’t get him cos he was in London at a yoke with a load of builders collecting money that this fella gev him a while ago but it’s ok cos he didn’t eat any dinner and yer man Enda Kenny’s only a scurrilous lying little culchie prick anyway so he is isn’t he ma?
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You’re on a roll OFTR. Keep up the good writing.
I had to send this around in work cos I was laughing so much
Ha ha ha! burn swans to stay warm…
of course, three out of four people acknowledge that 78% of these statistics are entirely made up. “Child bride freed from her dungeon to fill in the forms…” hee hee excellent stuff.