Imagine my joy when a lovely glossy, colourdey brochure dropped in my letterbox the other day. A message from the government! Oooh! It’s the thing they’ve been talking about on the telly! The National Emergency Plan! Huzzah!
However, my joy soon turned to disappointment when I realised that Willie O’Dea and Dermot Ahern, the men ultimately in charge of our defence forces, failed to address the question as to what Big Gráinne from Tuam and Mossie from Athlone will do in the event of the most likey of all national emergencies - namely, the impending Zombie Apocalypse.
It’s all well and good entertaining the science fiction based notions of Nuclear attacks and Bird Flu pandemics, not to mention the Hollywood flavourings of a terrorist assault on Newgrange, but lets be honest here. There’s nothing you can do about that really.
At least you can fight the zombies head on, and hand to hand. But our lads in Government have let the country down again by burying their heads in the sand.
So, here’s a few basic rules to note that may just save your life in the event of a chance encounter with the creeping hordes of the shuffling dead, courtesy of the world’s greatest website:
1. Remember that Zombies can’t run, and rarely reach speeds above that of Sonia O’Sullivan the night she shat herself in the Olympics. So Don’t panic.
2. Arm yourself well. The best way is probably to head to the nearest farm and load up on stuff from Paidi’s rape shed. (A bit of a problem if you live in Dublin, and should you be so blessed, then simply head for the nearest Latvian’s house and steal all of their Machete’s and illegal handguns. Or just go to any gaff in Crumlin and fill yer boots.)
3. Keep moving. So avoid the roads if at all possible, especially that big bowl of concrete spaghetti up near the Red Cow. Another reason to avoid the Red Cow is because Club Diva is up there, and should the Apocalypse occur on a Friday or Saturday night, many innocent scrotes and bints could be slaughtered in error.
4. The same applies to all areas of Counties Wexford and Meath. At any time, day or night. But don’t worry, they just have that look about them.
5. Actually, on second thoughts, head for the Red Cow and run amok.
6. Zombies can survive underwater, so there’s no point just sitting accross from them on the Canal or something, because, what with the canal being so shit and boring soon you’ll fall asleep on one of those benches and end up being eaten yourself. Nasty way to go.
7. Remember to chop their heads off. This is the only way to kill them. OFTR has those two fat bastard sisters from Tallaght working on a handy cut out and keep guide to total body dismemberment for idiots as we speak.
8. Trust no one. They may have been infected themselves and have yet to show any symptoms. Espescially those in positions of power like politicians and Gardaí. If you see any of these while out on your travels, better kill them just in case. Twice.
9. If at all possible, round up any zombies you don’t feel like killing and point them in the general direction of Cork.
10. Good luck folks. See you in the funny pages.
Now where’s my chainsaw?
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Fucking excellent post. I shall be adopting my favourite approach as featured in “Braindead”: Strap lawnmower to chest and walk through sea of zombies squinting through the blood and bits of body that inevitably spray my face. Hmm. Perhaps some safety goggles.
I was only talking to someone about that scene the other day!
Goggles are essential, obviously. To be extra thrifty, steal them from a weak child outside a swimming pool.
hehe paidi’s rape shed.
those farmers do love a bit of the old rape.
Your photoshop skills are coming on a treat.
I prefered them when they were shit.
Willie O’Dea(d)
Lay off Willie O’Dea, we should be thankful that we’re one of the few nations who can quote our defence minister as saying “do ya want a fight?”-no pussy footing around the use of excessive force here
Excellent post. The break did you good.
I got the ‘brochure’ too.. No pictures of burning stickmen to cut out and keep unfortunately
I’m waiting for the Tyler Durden edition.
What red-blooded man doesn’t entertain the fantasy of going on a zombie killing spree on a regular basis.
This makes me want to play all of the resident evil games again ….
Ah man, that booklet is deadly, gotta love the graphic symbols for each emergency. Apparently they issued one in the 60’s that told you to duck behind a farm animal in the event of a nuke. Culchies.