Gardaí Are Lovely
Seeing as I’m going away in about 5 weeks and my passport expired in March, I had to make one of my extremely rare visits to the local pig pen today to get one of the human haystacks to scrawl on it in crayon and allow me to flee the country with wild abandon for the next ten years or so.
I got one of the forms about 3 weeks ago, and filled it in last night. However, in my excitement, I also flicked over to the last section and saw the words ’sign here’ and went to sign it. However, my pen ran out. So I picked up another one and signed my name. Only then did I realise that ’section 9 should be signed in the presence of a grunting racist from Tullamore’ but I thought nothing of it and went on my merry way.
Walking into the station today, I was confronted with every Dublin man’s worst nightmare. A hulking colossus who for the purposes of this story we shall call Gráinne, who came equipped with an angry expression plastered across her gigantic, misaligned, poc fada head.
“NEXT DERE!” she roared at me in an accent so thick you could pour it into a bucket stand a hammer up in it.
“Whassup Pig?” I said in my head.
“Howya. I have this passport thingy you have to sign” and handed it to her.
She clumsily scrambled it up off the table with her massive, pudding like fingers, and slapped it down in front of me.
“WHY’JA SIGN IT DERE?!” She oinked, her eyes rolling around in her head in opposite directions from each other.
“Sorry, I just did it by mistake, I didn’t read the instructions till I’d signed it.”
“DIS IS A DEKLERRAAASHUN YE’RE MAKING IN FRUNT UF A GARDEEEE. I CANT SEE YOU MAAAAKE DE DEKLERAAASHUN NOW CAN I?!” She bellowed, as great hunks of raw turnip and cabbage spewed forth from her cavernous mouth like the furies escaping from Pandora’s box or those ghosts from the Ark Of The Covenant.
“Sorry, but like I said..”
“YEE FILLED IT IN IN BLUUUUUE!!! DATS DE WRONG COLOUR” She raged, her face growing redder than her fathers combine harvester.
“Yeah, my black pen died”
Just then, a woman waiting behind me’s mobile phone had the temerity to ring at a volume so inoffensively quiet that it was barely audible. “Hello? Sorry, I’ll ring you back I’m just in the Garda Station” she said.
Big Grainne then made a face like someone had just pissed on her spuds, and rolled her eyes to heaven. It was obvious that the poor woman was going to be tied up, brought round the back and Sergeant Seamus would help out in beating her senseless with a length of rubber hose.
“I DON’T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO COME IN HERE LOOKING FOR US TO SIGN STUFF AFTER FILLIN IN EVERYTIN WRONG!!” she said, loud enough for everyone in her home town to hear.
“Sorry” I said. “All I did was put a squiggle in a box I shouldn’t have put a squiggle in. I’ll go and fill in another form if you want, it’s no bother to me, it’ll be two minutes out of my day, but you don’t have to be so rude about it”.
“SIGN IT AGAIN HERE!” She roared after completely ignoring me and smacking her trotter down vaguely near the top of the page.
I duly signed it, watched her fumble about with the stamp, and then stamp it arseways half in and half out of the box. I said nothing except “Thanks a million. You’ve been very helpful” and with that, I turned, stuck my walkman in, and walked out the door.
When I got the the door, it said ‘PULL’ and, not wishing the pig in the city to think that I couldn’t understand simple written instructions, I pulled it as hard as I could, and let it wallop against the wall.
Lovely people them pigs. Lovely.
Yeah, I once went along to the cop shop for a similar form related activity, once he established I was a brit he decided it was appropriate to behave in a racist manner. They just don’t beat enough manners into them during their training in Templemore. One bloke I happen to know nearly got chucked out for hopping in bed with one of the (female) trainees when he was being indoctrinated into the force. Another one did get fucked out for standing on a table in one of the pubs in Templemore and getting his knob out for all to see.
Hee hee!
I had one thick cunt deliberately mispronounce a name on a form, and once corrected he went on to get the gender wrong (”WAT AGE IS SHE”) even though it was indicated on the form. I’m convinced this particular Garda Station is Templemore’s dumping ground.
When I was doing my Junior Cert I only knew one person who took E, he’s gonna become a Gard as soon as he gets his jam making degree out of the way
I think it’s clear you secretly fancied her.
Look at those gardai with their adorable epaullettes! I’d like one of my very own but the house is empty for most of the day so it would be a cruelty to keep him locked up.
Still though, look at them with their wee car and everything!
Gardai are shite
I have no idea why there’s a winking smiley in my comment.
Just be glad your smiley doesn’t look like he’s constipated, Green Ink.
stop complaining about your smilies! they’re all brilliant,
Hilarious.
Incidentally, why do women Gardai do not have uniforms that fit ?
They are either bursting out of them or the uniform is about 4 sizes too big.
Renault 4’s are the business. I used to drive an orange 4L van with white doors around a field. I was easily amused in those days.