There are small men, there are leaders of men, there are heroes, and then there’s Texas Tony.
Texas Tony isn’t from Texas. He’s not even American. He’s from New Ross. And he wears a stetson.
Texas Tony drinks in a filthy, smelly bar at the end of town. He drinks Guinness so thick that you could trot a mouse across it. He stands up to order his whiskey, and adopts a gunslinger pose. Texas Tony chews a cocktail stick. He rolls his own fags.
Texas Tony drives what has been described in the New Ross local paper as ’some form of jallopy’. Basically it’s the front half of a Ford Fiesta, and the back half of a Hiace van, welded together. He drives it home from the boozer, his right arm languishing out the window, skimming the grass in the ditch. Texas Tony don’t need no motherfuckin’ Satelite Navigation System.
They hauled him up before the courts a while ago because of this jallopy. Texas Tony don’t need no license or tax either.
The day of the hearing, the judge sat impatiently, drumming his fingers. Texas Tony was late.
Suddenly, the doors swung open. To the sound of mariachi trumpets and rattlesnakes, Texas Tony strode into the room. He was wearing silver spurs on his boots, and he had on a goat skull bootlace tie.
His reasoning for driving a homemade car with no tax, license or insurance was that ‘Charlie Haughey did away with all that stuff for fellas my age years ago’.
Texas Tony walked free that day. He don’t take no shit.
Last night, I went into Carnival on Wexford Street. I wanted to sit at a bar and drink. I have issues with Carnival, and haven’t been there since they told me that they had no Guinness one quiet night over Christmas about two years ago.
I sidled up to the bar. ‘Pint of Guinness please’.
‘No Guinness. Sorry’
‘What?’
‘No Guinness’.
I looked at the vast array of taps in front of me, but shouldn’t have bothered.
‘We’ve only Becks or Stella’.
I should have dragged his arse over the bar and battered him with a stool for being such a useless waste of skin.
But I ordered a Becks and proceeded to get chatted up by a 50 year old psychopath from Phibsboro. Texas Tony would have bettered him too.
I need to be more like Texas Tony.
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So do we all.
The dude abides.
betcha Texas Tony wouldn’t have sidled, though.
I remember that night in Carnival. No Guinness in a pub in Dublin, now that’s what I call a sham of a mockery on a double extra to the side of the max, innit? The owner should be shot with a shooting device in the elbows and then some
My off licence across the road ran out of Bulmers the other week. The poor fella behind the counter could barely bring himself to look me in the eye, such was the magnitude of the shame he felt.
carnival have guinness downstairs, at least they do for me…..
Carnival is a shithole for students